Bob and Steve, here. Psssst. You there. The one with the mouse. The one about to click the back button because you have no idea how you ended up at a crazy place called Orthogonal Catholic. Yeah – you. We’ve got a secret. Valentine’s Day is coming up. We know – there’s nothing secret about that. Garish heart-shaped boxes of candy were neatly arrayed in shopping market floral departments and end caps starting at 12:01am January 1st. Here’s the thing – somewhere along the way, in the race to leap and lunge for the next holiday or sort-of-holiday or who-knows-what-it-is-but-let’s-use-it-to-sell-stuff-day the marketing wonks and amorous chocolate-lovers forgot that it’s actually SAINT Valentine’s Day.
If the news gets out that we’re celebrating a CATHOLIC SAINT, there will be hell to pay. Don’t believe us? Last year someone at Google made the mistake of mentioning that a new Google feature would be “family” friendly, and all hell broke loose. Why? Well because “family” is construed as meaning a husband and wife with children. What good can come from that? If these people ever found out what goes into making a SAINT, their heads would literally explode. We mean literally. Exploding heads – everywhere. There just aren’t enough shop-vacs to deal with that. Think about it. SAINTS actually, you know, believe in God (that alone would explode as many heads as in all of Italy). SAINTS actually, you know, lived out biblical principles. Seriously, they did. They denied themselves all sorts of things.
Let’s pause and think about that one for a minute. SAINT Valentine’s day actually honors a man who believed in Chastity. Wherein men and women remain pure. No marriage – no nookie. And, even if married – there’s still the call to purity. Try proclaiming purity today. Just look at the state of things. Really. Go back to that grocery store with all of the red satin boxes of high fructose corn syrup. If you want to purchase one you have to pass through the valley of smut that is the checkout line where every magazine cover drips with sex-appeal or infidelity. Fortunately nowadays you can distract yourself by looking at your smutphone …. oops, that was a typo, we keep trying to type “smart” + “phone” but it stubbornly auto-corrects to smutphone. So be it.
Purity is a funny thing. Our marketing research1 shows that most Americans consider themselves “all in” when it comes to purity. No MSG – check! GMO free – check! Hormone free – check! 100% Colombian – check! 100% Cacao – check! Ivory soap’s well-known slogan, “99 44⁄100% Pure” – check! But then comes the rub. 100% pure for marriage – “whoa! Hold on a minute. “The time has come,” the Walrus said, “To speak of other things.”2
And St. Valentine (like all saints) worked MIRACLES. Seriously – miracles. You know – those things that don’t comport with the theorems and postulates of SCIENCE3 (the simultaneous explosion of that many heads would create a shock wave capable of sinking the entire land mass of Africa into the Pacific Ocean). Saint Valentine is remembered for curing the blindness of his jailor’s daughter so she could read a note he penned to her. He signed the note: “From your Valentine.” Yep, real miracles are much more awesome and cool than “Miracle Whip” or “Miracle-Gro” can ever be.
St. Valentine is also the patron saint of bee keepers. This reminds us – why is every Tom, Dick and Sally keeping their own bees? We at O.C. don’t understand the hysteria over a hypothetical bee shortage. We just keep the ‘b’ key pressed and they spurt right out 10 per second – bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb.
St. Valentine was also arrested because he was converting Romans to Christianity. Imagine if he were alive today! This guy was able to perform conversions of high ranking officials in pagan Rome, imagine the damage he could inflict today. No liberal would be safe. Even Nancy Pelosi could be converted to Catholicism.
The point is, the progatheists are so busy planning their bacchanalian delights, they seem to have forgotten they’re celebrating a Saint. Well, what they don’t know might actually help them. So, when they try to tell you that Valentine is some dude who’s going out with Courtney Love, don’t correct them that he’s actually the patron saint of Courtly Love. We look forward to next month when everyone, including atheists, celebrates another saint: Saint Patrick.
1 We don’t actually conduct marketing research, but if we did, it is very likely it would show exactly what we think based on our sociological research (which we don’t actually do either).
2 “The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–
Of cabbages–and kings–
And why the sea is boiling hot–
And whether pigs have wings.”
The Walrus and The Carpenter, Lewis Carroll, (from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)
3 This is not science, the systematic study of the physical and natural world. This is SCIENCE – the totally awesome thingy that will solve everything, even the things that science itself says it can’t solve, and you should totally believe in it because a lot of people really, really think it’s super-true and if you don’t just believe because they say so, then you’re just a hater.